Haven't seen much of my two little munchkins the last few days. Mr G brought them home from his sister's last night and they were both asleep. This morning, M woke up at about 5am needing a drink. Mr G went downstairs to oblige while I cuddled up to my little boy. He likes to play this game where he points to your nose, eyes, mouth, hair etc. He was just gazing at me and chuckling away behind his blue dummy as I played along. Then, after gulping down his ovaltine chocolate, he did his "Mummy" / "M" game. He says "Mummy" in a certain tone, I say his name back in the same tone and he leads. He loves it. Then, he rubs his chubby little cheeks against my face and kicks me in the belly. Yow! He's a little bundle of mischievous fun and makes me laugh so much. He'll go a long way with that kind of charm!
Little J appears, tousled and sleepy at about 6am and immediately puts her head on my belly, then lifts my PJ top to examine the dressings. "Your tummy is sore so we need to look after you, Mummy. I'll be a superstar. Mummy, I missed you," she says, planting a kiss on my lips. I wanted to grab hold of her and pull her into bed. She's 3 and weighs 3.5 stones - the height of your typical 5 year old in this town. I can hardly lift the kettle let alone her. She climbs into the middle of the bed and cuddles right up. Bless her. She's such an astute little girl and has seen me in some right old states - physically and emotionally. For ages after Mum dies, whenever I was sad, she'd cuddle me and ask if I was missing "Grandma with the angels". She was 2! I'm so proud of the way she will so naturally go to anyone in apparent distress and attempt to comfort them - adult or child. I see this look on her face - she's trying to make sense of things and is hampered by her 3 year old parameters. Yet she's so loving and so accepting of things. I am so lucky.
This weekend might be hard going for me physically - the sheer effort of standing up and bending down knackers me! My blood pressure is very low which doesn't help and the pain killers make that moreso. But I am so lookng forward to having some time with them and getting some degree of normality back. This operation has been hanging over us for ages. Now it's done and we can start moving on with our lives. I hadn't realised how poorly it was making me feel but now it's out, I already feel better.
Friday, 14 May 2010
Thursday, 13 May 2010
I made it - hurray!
Okay, so the last entry was allegedly the day before the operation. Or so we thought..... I went in as planned at 7.30am and was still sat, gowned up and ready at 5pm with IV fluids due to dehydration! The op was cancelled because some poor soul had been in theatre for 6 hours that morning.
I was given 12th May as an alternative. I was convinced something would go horribly wrong and struggled to be brave in front of the children. Oddly enough, this experience was really different. The people on the ward were different and there were 2 other women having the same op. The 6 of us in there had a fabulous time chatting and it really helped! Went to theatre at 11.45am and got chatting to the nurse on reception expecting her 3rd baby. It was when I went in to the anaesthetic room that I began to lose the plot slightly. Once on the bed, I burst into tears! The blokes were very kind, giving me tissues etc. I was still sobbing as they injected the drugs. And then that curious nothingness. Oblivion. The thing that scared me most of all was actually not scary at all....because I woke up. The clock in front of my face said it was 2.15pm. Had quite a bit of morphine for post operative pain and my blood pressure obviously had kept them entertained as I was dimly aware during the handover of the nurse saying how many doses of ephedrine I'd needed to bring it back up again. It was still only 98/45 in recovery - I checked. I could never be a drug addict; my blood pressure doesn't cope well with opioids. A mere sniff of the stuff and I'm practically on the floor.
Was a complete space cadet when I got home last night. Woke enough to eat some tea and babble to P on the phone but the rest is hazy. Today, the children are at their Auntie C's and Mr G will bring them home when he finishes work. Have spent the day in my PJs, done some laundry but mostly lazed about feeling muzzy and very sore. I have 4 wounds with stitches and even though they aren't big, they are sore. Then there's the actual site of the missing bit that's sore; then there's the after effects of the carbon dioxide they pump into your abdomen to open it up. The gas has to disperse and it hurts all the way to the shoulder tip! Minor stuff, but I'm a crap patient and hate being remotely incapacitated.
Tomorrow I'm off to see the GP about the depression/anxiety stuff. It's the anxiety episodes being most tricky - the crippling fear, seeing death and danger everywhere. It makes me someone I don't like very much and it makes me cross and jumpy with the kids. I don't want to be in hyperdrive all the time. I don't want to be scared to go to sleep in case I don't wake up (how bonkers is that?!). So we'll see what he reckons this time. In terms of depression, I'm faring quite well. It's May, the days and nights are lighter. I think the seasonal element is a definite factor. Plus, there's been a lot of happy stuff going on. And I made it through an operation my constant companion told me repeatedly would see me off. I get to have lovely snuggles with my little ones soon. And with my husband!
I was given 12th May as an alternative. I was convinced something would go horribly wrong and struggled to be brave in front of the children. Oddly enough, this experience was really different. The people on the ward were different and there were 2 other women having the same op. The 6 of us in there had a fabulous time chatting and it really helped! Went to theatre at 11.45am and got chatting to the nurse on reception expecting her 3rd baby. It was when I went in to the anaesthetic room that I began to lose the plot slightly. Once on the bed, I burst into tears! The blokes were very kind, giving me tissues etc. I was still sobbing as they injected the drugs. And then that curious nothingness. Oblivion. The thing that scared me most of all was actually not scary at all....because I woke up. The clock in front of my face said it was 2.15pm. Had quite a bit of morphine for post operative pain and my blood pressure obviously had kept them entertained as I was dimly aware during the handover of the nurse saying how many doses of ephedrine I'd needed to bring it back up again. It was still only 98/45 in recovery - I checked. I could never be a drug addict; my blood pressure doesn't cope well with opioids. A mere sniff of the stuff and I'm practically on the floor.
Was a complete space cadet when I got home last night. Woke enough to eat some tea and babble to P on the phone but the rest is hazy. Today, the children are at their Auntie C's and Mr G will bring them home when he finishes work. Have spent the day in my PJs, done some laundry but mostly lazed about feeling muzzy and very sore. I have 4 wounds with stitches and even though they aren't big, they are sore. Then there's the actual site of the missing bit that's sore; then there's the after effects of the carbon dioxide they pump into your abdomen to open it up. The gas has to disperse and it hurts all the way to the shoulder tip! Minor stuff, but I'm a crap patient and hate being remotely incapacitated.
Tomorrow I'm off to see the GP about the depression/anxiety stuff. It's the anxiety episodes being most tricky - the crippling fear, seeing death and danger everywhere. It makes me someone I don't like very much and it makes me cross and jumpy with the kids. I don't want to be in hyperdrive all the time. I don't want to be scared to go to sleep in case I don't wake up (how bonkers is that?!). So we'll see what he reckons this time. In terms of depression, I'm faring quite well. It's May, the days and nights are lighter. I think the seasonal element is a definite factor. Plus, there's been a lot of happy stuff going on. And I made it through an operation my constant companion told me repeatedly would see me off. I get to have lovely snuggles with my little ones soon. And with my husband!
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